11 Dec 2011

Caned & Unable

The creeping prickles on my damp skin, slithering up the back of my neck towards the base of my reverberating skull. Like spiders crawling on my scalp, the feeling rapidly takes hold of me and pin-prick beads of sweat burst out of each and every pore.

Breathless, I have to pause to steady myself, my frenzied pulse is racing violently. I half expect to watch my heart burst out of my chest, tearing it’s way out from beneath my skin, such is it’s manic beat.

I’m holding my breath again...Just relax...Relax!... Tension seizes up my limbs, my fingers grip the handrail on the stairs I’m trying to ascend. I try and cling onto something that’s firm and stable in my unbalanced world. It’s so loud in here, the repetitive beats are deafening me. I feel disorientated by such overwhelming noise and the thudding vibrations that seem to bounce around my chest in time. I give my brain instructions. “Move your feet. Climb the stairs. Just. One. At. A. Time.” There must be a fault, perhaps a fuse has blown somewhere on my neurological circuit board and I remain rooted to the spot.

Breathe...Yes! Breathe!...God, it’s so so hot in here. The air is thick like a smog and stale. Sticky moisture drips from the ceiling and rolls of the grimy walls. Again comes the skin crawling. I’m aware of rubbing at my arms as I try to shake off the imaginary bugs that want to eat my flesh. I’m adamant in my own mind that they are infesting my body, leaving their filthy trail of excrement and destruction in their wake.

My mouth is parched and dry. My tongue feels thick, far too big my mouth... Where did I leave my bottle of water?... I try to retrace my last steps but they’re blurred and confused in my fucked up mind. A sickly rush of heat engulfs me and nausea sets in with a vengeance. I panic. I must not, under any circumstances, be sick. Not yet, not here...Need to be alone....

A furious battle rages between my senses and my brain. What the hell has happened here? Why did I do this to myself?... I’m floating now, suspended in the air somehow and levitating several feet above where I was just standing. How can this be? What’s holding me up? Metal wires? Have I grown wings? Is this all just a bad dream?....

I catch sight of someone who appears identical to myself. They’re just standing there, motionless below me. I realise with muted shock that the person is me. I’m looking down upon myself from way up here. I study the foreign yet strangely familiar face with it’s wide black eyes and pale face with it’s blank and vacant expression. Could it be that I have left my own body?

Everything is hazy, like I’m peering through a veil of mist. All the voices that I hear surrounding me seem to melt into one distorted noise, like a record played at low speed under water. I’m growing ever more confused and I can’t grasp hold of any one train of thought. I wish they would all be quiet for just a while...

I feel what can only be a firm grip around my waist. I am being propelled carefully up the spiral staircase that my feet refused to climb up by themselves a little while ago.
“Get her some water! Move out the way!” One voice alone stands out from the confusion. A voice of authority and safety. I find myself being set down onto a seat, it’s metal and the backs of my legs stick to it, the heat of my skin welding me fast. Cool, wet liquid now dribbles onto my trembling lips. It seeps into my mouth and down my chin but it offers blessed relief to the desert in there. Now I can swallow.

Out of nowhere, a blast of crisp cold air from above. As it makes contact with the top of my head and floats downwards, I feel my faculties return with a vengeance. Like a kiss of life revives, so does this sacred breeze. Within seconds I am aware of my surroundings. I blink my eyes and I have crystal clear 20/20 vision. The crawling skin bugs vanish as if blown away on the wind. The perspiration evaporates, probably joining that viscous sweat of a thousand others as it slides down the walls and off the ceiling. A bright burst of energy surges through me and I try to stand despite voices of concern. No need, I smile as I stand tall once more.

I strut, yes, actually strut back down the spiral staircase. I immerse myself into the pulsing wanton throng that is the dance floor. The thumping bass line has me afraid no more. It has me spellbound and I am no longer clumsy or disorientated. My body and mind respond. I dance as if life itself depends on it. I feel so alive. My veins course with the new found boundless energy I’m feeling. I feel reborn, emerging from the darkness. I once was caned and now I’m able.

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